Let see how to lose anger effectively, caused by other people’s opinions.
This article is going to help you to lose the anger that you have now, but it’s also going to have a really large impact on any anger that you would have had in the future.
If you get what I’m saying here, it’s going to be a major shift not just like a slight relief now, but it can really prevent you from getting angry in any of the situations that you used to get angry by people’s opinions.
To be more specific than that, the anger that we’re going to address in this article is the anger in response to people’s criticism, perceived criticism, disagreements, or things along the lines of you know as, “Our partner doesn’t call us when they should”, or “They question our intellect”, or those types of things.
If you really get what I’m saying here, it’s going to have such a huge impact on your life.
So without further ado, let’s get into it.
Thoughts Are a Stories That Produce Feelings
Basically, in order to lose our anger, we really need to understand the fundamentals of why we get angry, and what’s underneath it.
To start out.
When we have positive thoughts about ourselves we feel nice, right?
If we think, “I’m smart”, “I’m cool”, “I’m attractive”, “I’m nice”, “I’m likeable”, any of those types of things, we feel good, we get some this pleasure that comes with it.
When we tell ourselves, stories like, “I’m a failure”, “I’m stupid”, “Nobody likes me”, “I’m not worthy”, “I’m unattractive”, “I’m strange”, “Something wrong with me”, those types of thoughts, we feel bad, sad, depressed, lonely, ashamed, insufficient or any of those types of feelings.
How We Achieve Positive Thoughts About Our Self
Naturally, we all want to have positive thoughts about ourselves.
How do we get these positive thoughts, well we do it in two major ways.
Achieving a Positive Thoughts by Physical Changes
One is by trying to change the facts.
Trying to make ourselves skinnier, stronger, healthier, happier, get more money, get more success, learn a language, learn a skill, have a girlfriend, have a boyfriend, whatever the case may be.
We try to change the facts in order to have positive thoughts, that improve our ideas about ourselves.
Achieving a Positive Thoughts by Psychical Changes
But the other main way, we seek to have positive thoughts about ourselves is from receiving compliments, appreciation, love, respect and those types of things. For example, we look for others to tell us they love us, to convince ourselves, that “I’m lovable”, or we look for compliments, “You’re attractive” to convinced ourselves that “I’m attractive”, or we look for others to compliment our work, in order to think “I’m smart”, you get the idea?
Seeking for Others People’s Opinions Hurt Us
We seek for others opinion, to give us positive thoughts about ourselves.
That means when someone compliments us, or calls us, or wants to be our friend, or wants to date us, we feel good, pleasure, better, about ourselves.
But the inherent issue with that is, if someone compliments us and we feel good, then when someone insults us, rejects us, leaves us, doesn’t want to be our friend, doesn’t pay attention to us, we feel bad.
When someone compliments you feel good, when someone insults you feel bad, because that gives you negative thoughts about yourselves, or worsens your idea about yourself.
More specifically, when we get insults, or rejected, or disapproved, we feel hurt, sad, lonely, and just ashamed or worse about ourselves.
Since we really don’t want to feel this way, we avoid those feelings at all costs, we’ve developed some sort of unconscious techniques to avoid these feelings, to prevent ourselves from ever feeling hurt, and sad, and worse about ourselves.
So, how do we avoid this feeling of hurt, worsening of our self-image, and worsening of our idea of ourselves?
How We Avoiding Being Hurt by Other People’s Opinions
Well, there’s three major ways that we try to accomplish this goal:
- Discrediting the source of information.
- Shifting our attention to them away from us.
- Disprove what they said.
Let me break down those in a little bit more detail.
Discrediting the Source of Information
Let’s say you made something, like you made a sculpture, and you worked really hard on it, and somebody says to you that’s terrible, that’s so ugly.
What are you going to do?
Are you just going to feel sad and hurt?
You might say, “They’re not an expert”, “They’re stupid”, “They don’t know what they’re talking about”, “I don’t trust their opinion”.
Then we get angry at them, and say, “They are bad” in one of those kinds of voice.
That would be to discredit the source of information.
Shifting Our Attention to Them Away from Us
The second way is, to shift our attention away from ourselves.
When they say, “Your work is terrible”, instead of thinking, “My work is so bad”, “I’m never going to succeed at this”, we might try to shift our attention saying, “They’re so mean for saying that”, “What about their work”, “Their work isn’t good either”, or whatever, in order to shift our attention away from us, and just make it about how they are bad in some way.
Disprove What They Said
The third tactic is, to try to disprove what they said.
That might be something along the lines of, “No, my work is good, somebody else told me it’s good, and it looks exactly like that, which is good”, basically trying to convince the other person, or convince ourselves, that the other person is wrong.
That’s when we would get into an argument, and try to give all the pieces of evidence, or proof as to why their opinion is wrong, and we are right, we are good, or our work is good.
These three tactics are the cause of pretty much all our anger, and all of our anger in response to criticism.
The Tactics We Use Become the Very Source of Our Anger
Instead of allowing ourselves to feel hurt or sad, and to look at these negative thoughts, that we might have about ourselves, we defend our self-image, we defend our idea of ourselves, I want to think, “I’m likable”, “Good”, “Smart”, “Interesting”, “Successful”, whatever, we defend that.
Instead of evaluating what they said about us, are they right, is it true, do I believe that myself, we just immediately put it on to them, “They’re bad”, “They’re stupid”, “They don’t know what they’re talking about”, “They’re just like me”, “They’re wrong because of this”.
Do you see what I mean?
Instead of looking at what they said, and evaluating its validity, honesty, and really seeing what we believe, we just immediately turn it on to them, shift the attention onto them, try to discredit them and try to convince them they’re wrong.
Using those so called tactics, are the source of our anger.
So, how do we lose our anger?
Understanding What Creates Feelings
Well, we simply need to better understand what creates feelings, and better understand what others opinions really mean.
Because, when we see that clearly, then other people’s opinions can no longer impact our idea of ourselves, and therefore we won’t get hurt or sad.
If others opinions can’t worsen our idea of ourselves, and create hurt or sadness, well then, we have nothing to defend, and therefore nothing to be angry about.
Now, it’s time to get into the meat of this practice, into the real crux of it.
Believes Makes Impact on Feelings, Not Spoken Words
It may seem that others words, other people’s opinions, directly impacted you, when they insult you, you feel it, but that’s not actually the case.
Others opinions, others words, only impact you when you believe them.
To demonstrate that let’s look at an example.
If you are walking down the street, and some random persons, persons that you just don’t trust for whatever reason, they just don’t seem credible.
Let’s say, when you’re walking past, they just yell at you, “You’re terrible at your job”.
How do you feel?
Do you feel hurt or sad, do you feel worse about yourself, because that persons said that?
No, probably not.
Because you know they’ve never seen you in your job, therefore those words don’t impact you.
They don’t create hurt sadness or worse in your idea of yourself.
However, if you’re in your job and your boss says to you you’re terrible at your job how do you feel?
Well, if you were being honest, you feel worse about yourself, you feel sad, you feel hurt and you feel disappointed, feels like there’s something wrong with you.
In both those situations you heard the exact same words, that you are terrible at your job.
So why in one situation did you have a strong impact, or sitting about your idea of yourself, and in the other, you had practically no impact.
Simply, it’s because in one of those situations, you believe the words to be true, and in the other situation you didn’t.
That means words in and of themselves don’t impact you, it’s only your belief that creates the impact.
If others opinions, or words impacted us, then everybody who said those same words and believed the same thing, would impact us in the same way, but that’s not the way it goes.
Rejection, insults of any kind can’t impact us unless we believe them.
Does that make sense?
We Only Feel What We Believe
If a negative opinion could directly impact you, then it would always impact you, no matter what, no matter who it came from, and it would always have the same impact, but that’s not the way life works.
When one person says something, and another person says something, and they both view us in the exact same way, those opinions don’t have the exact same impact.
So, we only feel what we believe.
Direct Triggers for Anger
Basically, put differently, what happens is, when we believe somebody’s words to be true, it has an impact on us by changing our idea of ourselves.
If I think, “I’m attractive”, and then someone tells me “I’m ugly”, and I believe them, it worsens my idea of myself, it’s hard to think I’m attractive if someone just tells me that I’m ugly .
If I think that “I’m smart”, and someone tells me “I’m stupid”, it worsens the idea of myself if I believe that.
Another impact that it has other than worsening our idea of ourselves, is it reaffirm something, we’ve been trying to convince ourselves isn’t true.
Maybe I think that “I’m ugly”, but I’m trying to convince myself that “I’m attractive”, and if someone says that “I’m ugly”, it sort of makes me feel like, “I’ll never be attractive”, “I’m always going to be like this”.
If I think “I’m okay at my job”, we’re not so good, but I’m trying to give in to myself that “I’m good” if someone says, “You’re not so good at this”, I think, “Yeah, you’re right”, “I’ve been trying to convince myself but it sucks”, “I’m going to always be like this”.
So, reminds us of something we’ve been worth, reaffirms and negative idea that we had about ourselves, but we’ve been trying to convince ourselves, that “We’re good”.
Maybe we think “We’re unlikable”, but someone’s been saying that we’re good and likeable, we’re trying to believe that, but then if they say “You’re unlikable”, then, oh no, “I’m that way, I’ve been that way all along”.
The third way, that a negative opinion impacts us, when we believe it, is it reminds us of something that we didn’t want to admit.
Maybe I’m desperately trying to convince myself that, “I’m successful”, or “I’m interesting”, or “I’m cool” in some way, and then someone says that you’re not, I don’t want to admit that, no, “I’m cool”.
But it’s like, uncovers what I really believe, even though I’ve been trying to convince myself of something else.
So, those are the ways that a negative opinion, negative comment impacts us when we believe it.
But of course, most of the time, we don’t admit these things to ourselves.
Instead, we just get angry, and turn it on to them, discredit them, try to disprove them, or just shift the attention onto them.
Instead of feeling these feelings of: “I’m not so good in some way” or “I’m worse than I thought” or “I have to admit that”, “I’m bad”, we just turn it on to them.
Other Reasons as Triggers for Anger
But the other thing is, that most of the time we don’t get directly insulted.
Someone’s not going to tell us: “You’re stupid”, “You’re ugly”, “You’re boring” or “You’re not interesting”.
We have to take cues.
Instead of someone insulting us, they might just not call us, they might forget our birthday, they might forget our date, they might not hire you, they might spend time with somebody else, they might give you a bad grade on your test, they might tell you that you’re wrong, they might imply that they don’t trust you.
For example, maybe you tell them this is how you get there, give’m directions and they say “I’m not sure if you’re right”, so they’re don’t trust you, they’re questioning your intellect.
Maybe they don’t trust you because you say that at work, you come home late and you say you were at work, and then they say, “I don’t know if you were”, and then, that’s questioning whether we’re trustworthy, so that it seems like an insult.
There’s a variety of different ways that we get insulted, or get criticism from others without a direct insult.
Do you notice that?
Beliefs Always Makes the Worst Interpretation
Often seems that the list of things I just mentioned, like, rejection, someone leaving you, someone insulting you, questioning your intellect, we’re not trusting you, it seems that those things directly create either your hurt sadness, or your anger, but they don’t.
What happens is, when someone does one of those things, we interpret that, to mean: “They don’t like me”, “They think I’m stupid”, “They think I’m untrustworthy”, “They think I’m not good”, “They don’t love me so they think I’m unlovable”, and then, that makes us start to worse in our idea of ourselves, so then we turn it on to them, and say “You’re bad in some way for not trusting me for doing that for thinking that”.
Instead of that, right there’s another option, and that is to not believe what they say.
But first let’s really explore this.
History of Our Believes
So, why do we automatically believe their opinion to be true?
Why are we automatically impacted by what they say?
Well, it’s simply because, that’s what we were taught to do.
When we’re young, when our parent says, “This is a cup”, we say, “Okay, that’s a cup’, when they say, “This is a shirt”, we say, “Okay that’s a shirt”.
We don’t question it, we just believe everything they say, that’s what we’re meant to do, we’re like a sponge just taking in new information.
So, therefore, when they say, “You did a good job”, we said, “Yay, I did a good job”, when they say, “You did bad”, we say “Oh no, I did bad”, when they say, “You’re cute”, we say, “Yeah I’m cute”, when they say, “That doesn’t look good on you”, you say, “Oh no it doesn’t look good on me”, right?
We take that into adulthood.
When we’re in high school, if someone complements us and says, “You’re so pretty”, we said, “Yeah I’m so pretty”, if they insult us, or reject us, or leave us, we say, “Oh no, there must be something wrong with me”.
Their opinion sounds to us real, factual, and true, as if it’s a part of who you are.
Later in life, the same goes when we get to work.
We never get taught to question the validity of others opinions.
It’s not your fault that you’re impacted by other people’s opinions, and others criticisms, it’s just what we were taught to do, everybody has this practically, to varying degrees, but it’s simply what we were taught to do.
It’s not your fault, there’s nothing wrong with you, it’s just nobody showed you how to treat this differently.
Now we’re going to look at your specific situation.
What’s Causing Our Anger
I want you to think of a time that you got angry at someone
Ask yourself, “What did they say”, that makes you angry.
Be as specific as possible.
Whatever they say, ask yourself, “What does that mean they think about me?”
For example, if they think “I’m stupid”, “What does that mean about me?”
Well, if they think I’m stupid, that must mean, “I’m stupid”.
If they think “I’m untrustworthy”, that must mean “I’m untrustworthy”.
Do you see that?
Whatever negative opinion you think they have about you, what does that actually mean about you?
Well, for most of us, the automatic unconscious assumption is, if they think that “I’m bad”, than, “I’m bad”, automatically.
That’s why we get angry, because we want to avoid admitting that, so we just turn it on to them, we never even ask the question.
First let’s admit that we do feel that way on some level.
Now, that we’ve looked at what’s causing our anger to some degree, now let’s see how to lose it.
How to Lose Anger
First thing that we can do, ask ourselves, just because they said that, or did that, does that mean they actually view me in a negative way?
For example, If they didn’t call me, we assume, that must mean, “They don’t like me”.
Then we ask yourself, can I think of any interpretation, or any reason why the opposite interpretation could be true?
Is it possible, they didn’t call me because they just forgot, or they were busy, or maybe they do like me but they just didn’t call.
See, if you can interpret it in a different way, if you can recognize that just because they did whatever they did, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they think you’re bad in some way.
But if you really believe, that they have a negative opinion about you, then instead of trying to discredit them disprove them, and shift your attention onto them, and angry to try to change the situation you can stead just question whether their opinion is actually true.
If you recognize their opinion isn’t true, well then there’s nothing to defend, there’s no problem, nothing to get angry about.
It’s Just Not the Right Fit
In order to see that their opinion isn’t true, let’s look at a different type of example.
If you see a little boy playing with a game, like a wooden board with different shape holes in it.
It has a square hole, a circle hole, a triangle hole, in this wooden board and then there’s different shapes, there’s a square, circle and triangle wooden shape that the little boy needs to put in the correct holes.
If he takes a square shaped piece of wood, and tries to put in a triangle-shaped hole, and it doesn’t fit, and he says to you, “This shape isn’t good enough for that hole”, what are you going to say?
It’s not that it’s not good enough, it just doesn’t fit.
When something doesn’t fit, it doesn’t mean it’s not good enough.
So, the person who had a negative opinion about you in some way, let’s see whether their opinion is actually true about you.
If they think that a song is bad, is that song really bad?
No, that’s just their opinion, it just wasn’t the right fit, it doesn’t mean the song is bad just because they think it is.
Painting, food, movie, beauty, the same goes for everything.
Whatever opinion you are scared they have about you, or whatever opinion seems to impact you, ask yourself, if they think that about a song, a movie, a painting, of food, does that mean it’s true?
No, it’s just not the right fit, the same applies with what they think about you.
Whatever they think about you, has nothing to do with you, it just has to do with them.
With whatever fits with their conditioning, their training, of what is good and bad, same with a movie, a song, a meal.
When someone says we’re bad, we just automatically assume that’s true, that their opinion is real and factual that means something about me.
We get very confused between not good enough, and not the right fit.
No, song isn’t good enough for them, some songs just aren’t the right fit.
The same applies with whatever negative opinion they have about you.
It doesn’t mean anything about who you are, it’s just not the right fit.
So, now apply that to your unique situation.
Whatever they think about you, whatever you think they think about you, ask yourself now, “Is their opinion about you true”, “Is their opinion about you, mean anything about who you are?”, “Could somebody else have a different opinion?”
If so, how you know their opinion is right?
And if you can really see that, then you’re free, there’s nothing to defend, there’s no worsening of your idea of yourself, so you don’t need to shift your attention, and discredit them and call them stupid, or bad, or whatever.
It’s just okay, well, their opinion about me isn’t right, they’re just in their head, just thinking that it’s real, but it’s not.
But you see what happens some of the time, is that when we really care about someone, or like someone, or think somebody is really good in some way, cool or popular or our boss or something like that, we somehow value their opinion more than somebody else’s.
We think just because I like them, or just because they’re cool, that means that their opinion is more valid than other persons.
But that’s not true.
There’s nobody’s opinion it is more valid than anybody else’s, that’s just an idea.
Think whoever it is, recognize, just because I like them, just because they’re seemingly smart, just because they’re seemingly cool, or my boss, or whatever, ask yourself, “Is their opinion on a song or painting more valid than somebody else’s”, so as their opinion about me.
One boss might hate your work, but another boss might like it.
You see, just because you care about them, or think they’re great in some way, or they’re close to you, like a relative or a friend, it doesn’t mean their opinion is more valid than anybody else’s in the world.
It’s just not the right fit.
Admit Other People’s Opinions
If that doesn’t give you the relief that you were looking for, that doesn’t make you feel bad, then it’s likely because you actually already believe that negative opinion about yourself.
So, whatever made you angry, whatever you think that means about you, or whatever negative opinion you think they have about you, you actually believe that about yourself.
The first step when that’s the case is to just admit that.
If they called you stupid, just admit, “I actually do think that I’m stupid”, or if they called you whatever, ask yourself, “Do I believe that’s true, is that true about me, do I believe that?”
If we don’t ask first, we just immediately go into defense mode, which is automatic, because we want to think of ourselves as good, we never look at the truth, we never evaluate, “How do I actually see things?”
Whatever negative opinion that you think they have, you asked yourself, “Do I believe that about myself?”
We have to really be honest with ourselves.
Anger is a diversion tactic, it’s a cover-up, it’s always hiding something underneath that we don’t want to admit, and it can be really hard to admit these things, it’s not easy some of the time, so just because I’m saying it in this sort of simple way, it doesn’t mean it’s going to be that way for you.
For many people it’s hard to admit that, they do believe that they’re bad in some way.
Be gentle with yourself, be patient with yourself, and let it come up in its own time.
Just recognize, whatever someone insults you, or your job, it’s to ask “Do I believe that about myself?”
Once you can admit that, well, then you have a chance, and what you do after you admit, the negative idea you have about yourself is you question the validity of that, your question, “Is it true?”
So, if you think “I’m a failure”, then, you could ask the question, “Can I think of any reasons, or examples as to why the opposite could be true?”
If we can discover that the opposite could be true, then it diminishes the strength, weakens the strength of the idea, “I’m a failure” or similar ideas.
Reality or Imagination
Another way to disbelieve your idea of yourself, with a negative thought that you have about yourself, is to simply look that how an action doesn’t mean anything about who you are.
Right now, I’m clapping hands, am I a clapper?
No, It’s not who I’m, that’s just something that I did in a moment.
Maybe you did something you think that means something about you forever, it doesn’t, that was just one moment, clapping is occurring now, and now it’s not.
Whatever you did in the past, it has nothing to do with who you are now.
In this moment, right now, I have a hand and I know it to be true, I have a nose, eyes, they exist in reality, my shirt that I’m wearing is reality.
So now, where is, “I’m bad”,”I’m boring”, well, it’s not in the real world, that’s in my imagination.
There’s only two options in a given moment, reality or imagination.
Unless you can find it now in reality and show it to me, reality is we can see, taste touch, hear, smell.
If you have none of those, for whatever you think you are, well then, it’s not who you are.
If you can’t prove it to me, if you can’t provide any evidence in reality right now, it’s not you.
Because, guess what, you are here and now, aren’t you?
You are here, so anything not here, can’t be you.
OK, does that make sense?
Maybe if you see that now, you’re going to feel a lot of relief and lose your anger.
As Long as You Believe Compliments, You Believe Insults
But in order for this to have a lasting impact on your life, and in order for you to to never feel this type of anger again, you have to be willing to question the good.
Put differently, if when people compliment you, you feel good, then when people insult you, you will feel bad, because the two sides of the same coin.
When someone complements you, and they say you are attractive, if you believe them, what you’ve done there, if you said, others words are true.
So, you feel pleasure, but if you’re saying others words are true, than when they say something negative, you’ll believe it and feel bad, or have anger in order to avoid that feeling.
As long as you believe compliments, you believe insults.
Because both of them are just, “I believe their opinion to be real and true”.
It may seem like you really want to feel the pleasure of compliments, and appreciation, and love, but all that does is perpetuate anxiety about others opinions.
You live in a prison where your happiness is determined based on how others treat you, and that’s no fine at all.
Do you see that?
As long as a positive opinion gives you pleasure a negative opinion will give you pain.
When you really see that, the pleasure you get from a compliment, or appreciation, is perpetuating all your anger, sadness, worrying about others opinions, trying to be somebody that others will like and put on a show, or whatever, well then you’ll see, it’s just not worth it, it’s not worth it for that little bit of pleasure.
When you recognize that you’re not bad or good, you’re just here, well then there’s nothing to defend, “I’m just here”.
You see that?
What We Know and What We Believe
I know it seems ridiculous, but you have to recognize, that you are not actually good in order to recognize you’re not bad.
You’re just here.
Maybe I want them to think I’m lovable, but sometimes they’re gonna love me and sometimes they’re not, or sometimes they’re going to think I’m smart and sometimes they’re not, so, do I change?
None of that is who I’m.
Whenever we want others to think about us, it’s just what we want to think about ourselves.
We want somebody else to say you’re smart, you’re interesting, you’re cool, you’re attractive, you’re lovable, you’re charming, you’re sweet or whatever in order to help convince ourselves, “I’m good”.
But, as long as we need to use them to try to convince ourselves, “I’m good”, we’ll be completely at their mercy, always looking evaluating what they think of us, and hoping they don’t think negative, and if they do think negative we get sad or we get angry.
Much more freeing to recognize “I’m not good or bad”, I’m just here.
It’s all just ideas that we’re trying to convince our self.
But since it’s in our head it never has enough to free us, because we don’t know “I’m good or bad”, it’s just a belief.
We have to be really clear on the difference between, what we know and what we believe.
I know I have a hand, nose, eyes, right, but we would say “I believe I’m great”, “I’m worthy”, “I’m likeable”, “I’m nice”, “I’m smart”, “I’m cool” any of those types of things.
They’re not in the land of what we know, they’re only in the land of what we believe.
So when you know something to be true, you don’t need others to tell it to you.
I don’t need anybody to tell me I have a hand.
I don’t anyone to reaffirm to me that I have a hand.
I don’t need anyone to tell me that I wear a shirt.
But don’t you need somebody to tell you you’re smart, you’re attractive, you’re cool, you’re whatever, because you don’t know it, you’re only desperately trying to believe it.
The same goes for worries.
I don’t have to worry about whether anybody thinks I have a hand, I know I have one.
So it doesn’t matter what anyone says, if someone tells me I don’t have a hand, I’m not gonna argue, I need to defend it, I know that I have a hand.
If I have to defend it, that means I don’t know it.
Do you see?
We Only Defend What We Believe
We don’t have to defend what we know, we only have to defend what we’re desperately trying to believe.
I never have to worry about whether someone thinks I have a hand, ever, because I know it to be true.
When you know something to be true, others opinions cannot affect it.
I would never argue what I know, the only time you would ever argue or try to defend, is when we’re confused, between what we know and what we believe.
When you tell yourself “I’m unlikable”, “I’m cool”, “I’m interesting”, ”I’m smart”, “I’m funny”, “I’m worthy of love” or any of these things, you don’t actually know it to be true, you’re trying to believe it.
But, since it’s not known, it feels fragile, weak, soft, and insufficient, we always walk through life with this sense of something missing, sense of insufficiency.
It’s fragile because it can be impacted by anything
Doesn’t matter how many years I go through life, thinking, “I’m attractive”, if somebody doesn’t look at me, someone rejects me, it’s gone, if I think I’m successful, and I have one little failure, boom, gone!
Any of these things, any idea you have about yourself, you think you’re smart, and the next person disagrees what’d you say, boom, there goes “I’m smart”.
Because you don’t know it to be true, you’re just trying to believe it, and you need others backing in order to convince yourself that you’re good.
Our idea of ourselves since it’s not real, touchable, physical, it’s heavily impacted by others opinions.
So, what you’ve done is, you given the power of your happiness to others, when you’re trying to convince yourself that you’re good.
Stop Defend Imagination
We feels need to convince them, we need to show them, prove to them we’re good , because if they can we convince them that we’re good, and it’s easier to convince ourselves that we’re good.
They think we’re right, maybe they think we’re wrong, but we can’t really fully convince ourselves “I’m good”, unless we convince them that they are wrong.
As long as they think they are right, and we’re wrong, it’s hard to convince ourselves “I’m good”.
Therefore, we spend how much time trying to convince others to see it our way, but if you knew it was true you wouldn’t care what others think.
If you care what others think, it means you don’t know it, you just believe it.
Looking at it differently, what we’re actually doing when we’re getting angry, is we’re trying to defend this story in our head.
So we have an idea “I’m good” in some way, and we desperately want to defend that, is if it’s real, as if it’s who we are.
So when someone insults us, or criticizes us, it has the potential to worsen the story about who we are.
But since we think that story about who we are, is who we are, we defend it like we’re defending our life, like we’re defending our arm, like we think “I’m smart”, as like a part of us, like I have an arm, and if we lose that it’s losing a part of us, it’s worsening a part of us, diminishing us, weakening us, even though it’s all it’s doing is changing a thought, changing a story in our head.
When we confuse the story of who we are, to be who we are, we need to defend it like we defend our life.
And that’s why, it’s many times we will get angry, they get angry to the point of the soul, you know, it’s in their body, and they could almost kill or hurt someone, to defend just a story in their head, defending an idea not defending a reality, because reality doesn’t need to be defended.
Anything that needs to be defended from an opinion, never existed at all, because an opinion can’t affect reality, it can only affect imagination.
Do you see that?
When someone says “You’re bad”, what are you defending, you’re defending “I’m good”, I know what I’m talking about, I’m right, that’s what you’re defending, but that’s there’s nothing actually there.
You’re just afraid of going from “I’m good” to “I’m bad”, but both of them are equally illusory, equally imaginary, neither of them is true in arguing of opinions.
What this means is, anytime you get defensive, anytime you get angry, it’s a sign, it’s telling you, you’re defending something that isn’t real.
Anger is just confusion that the story in our head is where we are, and so, we’re so afraid of it worsening or dissolving.
So, what is the truth, who are you, what is reality, what is imagination?
Examples of Imaginary Concepts
Well, take a moment now and imagine a really big house.
Now, take a moment to imagine a really small house.
Make sure you really picture them.
Now, tell me, which house is bigger?
The big one of course, right?
No, neither one is bigger, neither one is any volume, or weight, or width, or height or anything, they both imaginary.
Now, take a moment to imagine a hot coal, you know there’s like that would be on a barbecue, a hot coal simmering.
Now, imagine an ice cube.
Which one is hotter?
Neither, because they’re both imaginary, neither one is emitting any heat, or coldness, right, they’re both imaginary.
Now, imagine who you are, imagine your quality, good, boring, interesting, funny, cool, likeable.
Where do they exist?
Both imaginary, all imaginary.
Do you see that?
Defending Imaginary Is a Game of Suffering
The alternative, to try spending your life, trying to convince yourself that you’re good, and worrying about others opinions, and getting angry when someone disagrees, is to simply discover, I’m here, now, that’s it.
Everything else, is just an idea in my head.
It’s just a game of suffering, doesn’t matter how many times in a row you convince yourself “You’re good”, it will always be fragile and completely susceptible to being destroyed, because it’s a story, story in your imagination.
Allow yourself, to just be here as you are, there’s nothing wrong with you here, because, I don’t know the shape of wrong, I don’t know the size of wrong is, the texture, the color, where is it?
Let yourself just be here as you are.
Nothing to protect, nothing to maintain, nothing to improve, nothing that can worsen, just here, all of that is an imaginary game, it has nothing to do with this moment. OK?
Listen, I know it seems crazy to give up on that game of trying to convince yourself that you’re good, I know it seems ridiculous to stop trying to develop confidence and think I’m amazing and everything that I do when I’m smart and I’m likeable and all that stuff.
But, look at your own experience.
Where’s that get you?
You can’t think you’re great, unless others agree, in any way.
Therefore, if you’re pursuing confidence in thinking of yourself as good, you’re pursuing suffering.
Because you’ll always worry about others opinions as long as you’re trying to think you’re good, you’ll always argue, because if anyone disagrees, you can’t have that, because then you can’t convince yourself that you’re good, and you’ll always have a anxiety because you’re susceptible to it worsening.
So, allow yourself to just be open to the idea, that convincing myself that “I’m good”, is not the key to life, and it’s certainly not the key to peace and happiness, because it results in suffering.
Let yourself just be here as you are.
Anger, It’s a Cover-Up for the Feeling of Hurt
Nothing good about you, nothing bad about.
Basically, it’s just anger, it’s a cover-up for the feeling of hurt.
Instead of letting our idea of ourselves worsen, we just try to cover it up with anger, to put our attention on to somebody else, and how they’re bad, or try to convince them that we’re not bad.
And so, to get over that, or to get past that, or get through that, we simply need to ask ourselves, what did they do that made me angry, and then ask ourselves what does that mean about me?
Question that question, whether their opinion is true or false?
When you discover, none of that is true or false, none of its real, none of it is you, then, life changes quite, quite drastically.
We’re just left here and join this moment as it is, no matter what’s happening.